Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Peeing in the Mainstream with Digital Dongs

It's a bit of a ghost town in here this week. Sorry. I'm in the final stages of buying a house, but things will be back to normal and firing with both barrels in a couple weeks.

Anywho, I finally made it out to Watchmen at the IMAX Monday, and it was pretty much what I expected. Visually spectacular, great casting, "Pruit Igoe," live action Rorschach; it was about as good as it could theoretically be, but still never gave a compelling case for its own existence outside of being an extension of the comic. I only know one person so far who has seen it without having read the source material, and he... didn't get it at all.

One area in which the movie is undeniably groundbreaking is in its use (or overuse depending on who you ask) of the rapidly emerging field of computer generated wangs. Let's take a look at the pioneers of this art:

1. Irréversible

It's a pretty safe bet that this movie will somehow make it onto every list I come up with. For the uninitiated, it is a chronologically backward faux-single take festival of human misery. (Check the above linked list for more details.) It also boasts the first ever digitally added penis. Obscuring genitalia has been old hat for the film & video world for a long time, and digital technology has facilitated that, but never before (that I know of) had a filmmaker needed to use the magic of CGI to insert a penis into a shot in which it was lacking.

The digi-dong occurs at the tail end of the film's infamous 10 minute, single take rape scene. Since actually raping Monica Bellucci would be an even more henous crime than forcing audiences to squirm through the disturbingly acurate simulation, the attacker's wang remained safely behind underwear. When he pulls out upon finishing, the director was forced to add a shadow covered dinky to maintain the scene's searing hyperreality. Because when you're attempting to psychologically damage people, you simply can't have them notice little things like that.

2. Grand Theft Auto: The Lost and Damned

Never a game to shy away from controversy, Rockstar Games needed to come up with a new trick to upset its legions of moralistic foes. Blowing up police helicopters, running down hookers, swearing, and drug use simply are not enough to upset people these days. So they decided to offend outside the box with full frontal male nudity of the virtual kind.

The player character, a surly biker working odd jobs around the Liberty City underworld, gets a new provider of missions midway through: a corrupt politician who spends their first meeting buck ass naked. Knowing that rumors of the digi-wang would begin flying immediately, they decided to (um) tease the player for the majority of the cutscene by keeping said wang tastefully off camera. Just when you start to think that the internets have lied to you, they cut to a less tasteful medium close-up; pubes and all.

Think about it for a second. Someone had to make those scrotum textures. Someone had to design it in Maya. This isn't a shadowy silhouette penis; it is presented anatomically correct, in full detail.

On a related note: why must I keep falling for the cruel trick that is Grand Theft Auto multiplayer? Deathmatch is never fun, the team games are always empty, and everyone just does the races, which are fun for a minute before you realize that no one stands a chance in hell of getting within half a lap of the guy in first because of the brutal melee going on between third and fourth. It's the exact opposite of Mario Kart; not a rubber band, but a slingshot.

3. Watchmen

Yup. That is a big blue dingaling. ....and there it is again.Can someone get the Smurf-god a towel, please?

So, what say you? Anyone know of any other examples? How about female genitalia? Digi-boobs are practically the norm by now, which definitely says something about our culture, but as an appreciator of the incredible advances in videogame jiggle-physics I'm not going to complain.

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