Note: Before you panic about Cronenberg's Dead Ringers (one of my all time favorites) being in there, the scene is Jeremy Irons running lines with his actor girlfriend. Meta bad writing.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Another Amazing SuperCut!
Someone managed to find and string together almost 8 solid minutes of "You don't get it, do you?"s
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Put this Guy in Charge of the Internet
Seriously, I nominate this "richfofo" person for president of cyberspace. Sure he mainly seems to blog about reality TV and various other Slut related clap-trap, but these exhaustive montages of annoying horror-movie clichés are pure gold.
No technology has turned horror/thriller screenwriting on its head more than the cellular phone. Now that nearly every warm body in the first world has a portable means of contacting the authorities, your average psycho slasher has to adapt by killing much faster (and ending the movie too soon) or risk a humiliating slaughter fail (also ending the movie too soon). Surly this means a dramatic rethinking of horror screenwriting tropes, correct?
Wrong. It just means that every movie needs a painfully forced bit of expository dialog to remove the devices' corrosive effect on the narrative. Without further ado, here is nearly all of them:
Free slasher movie idea: The Faraday Cage - A deranged technophile kidnaps people who use their cellphones for evil purposes (taking calls during movies, texting while driving, general techno-rudeness) and traps them in a Saw-esque dungeon where cellular signals can't penetrate. Murder ensues. Problem solved.
Next up, goddamn mirror scares (and their bastard children, mirror scare fake-outs):
Hopefully we'll get to see "Blurry things running in front of the camera while a violinist has a seizure" next.
If that's not enough for "president of the internet," this person also posts a ridiculous number of videos about his weird looking cat. As we all know, the internet is made of cats.
Special Bonus! A perfect montage explanation of why I think Reality TV is the devil:
Oh boy! Shallow people acting like they think shallow people should act when cameras are around! How is that 'reality' and how is that entertaining in the least? I would rather watch a feature film that I hate than five minutes of this inexplicably popular sham that won't fucking die.
Also, this blog isn't dead... it's just resting. I'm attempting to actually write the book I've had kicking around my skull for the last three years, and Video Updates, which was originally created as a way to keep exercising the prose muscles whenever the fiction muse abandoned me, sort of took over for a while. Unfortunately, I lack the talent and discipline to maintain two simultaneous writing projects and a day job, so something is always going to get the short end of the stick.
Still, there are so many Videos to be Updated: Syngenor, Hausu, Razorback, Dead End Drive-In, Save the Green Planet, The Stone Tape, Death Bed, etc. Hell, I could spill forth another couple thousand words on Pontypool alone. So fear not, densins of the giant cyber-chasm that I scream my nonsense into, updates will continue to trickle out while I pretend to be a big boy writer. And someday, when I'm rich and famous or at least completely unemployable, Video Updates will be restored to its former glory* and then some.
Also, there will probably be more video game related content in the near future, but that still has the word "video" in it, so if you don't like it you can cram it with walnuts.
*Former glory may only exist in the author's mind. Your results may vary.
No technology has turned horror/thriller screenwriting on its head more than the cellular phone. Now that nearly every warm body in the first world has a portable means of contacting the authorities, your average psycho slasher has to adapt by killing much faster (and ending the movie too soon) or risk a humiliating slaughter fail (also ending the movie too soon). Surly this means a dramatic rethinking of horror screenwriting tropes, correct?
Wrong. It just means that every movie needs a painfully forced bit of expository dialog to remove the devices' corrosive effect on the narrative. Without further ado, here is nearly all of them:
Free slasher movie idea: The Faraday Cage - A deranged technophile kidnaps people who use their cellphones for evil purposes (taking calls during movies, texting while driving, general techno-rudeness) and traps them in a Saw-esque dungeon where cellular signals can't penetrate. Murder ensues. Problem solved.
Next up, goddamn mirror scares (and their bastard children, mirror scare fake-outs):
Hopefully we'll get to see "Blurry things running in front of the camera while a violinist has a seizure" next.
If that's not enough for "president of the internet," this person also posts a ridiculous number of videos about his weird looking cat. As we all know, the internet is made of cats.
Special Bonus! A perfect montage explanation of why I think Reality TV is the devil:
Oh boy! Shallow people acting like they think shallow people should act when cameras are around! How is that 'reality' and how is that entertaining in the least? I would rather watch a feature film that I hate than five minutes of this inexplicably popular sham that won't fucking die.
Also, this blog isn't dead... it's just resting. I'm attempting to actually write the book I've had kicking around my skull for the last three years, and Video Updates, which was originally created as a way to keep exercising the prose muscles whenever the fiction muse abandoned me, sort of took over for a while. Unfortunately, I lack the talent and discipline to maintain two simultaneous writing projects and a day job, so something is always going to get the short end of the stick.
Still, there are so many Videos to be Updated: Syngenor, Hausu, Razorback, Dead End Drive-In, Save the Green Planet, The Stone Tape, Death Bed, etc. Hell, I could spill forth another couple thousand words on Pontypool alone. So fear not, densins of the giant cyber-chasm that I scream my nonsense into, updates will continue to trickle out while I pretend to be a big boy writer. And someday, when I'm rich and famous or at least completely unemployable, Video Updates will be restored to its former glory* and then some.
Also, there will probably be more video game related content in the near future, but that still has the word "video" in it, so if you don't like it you can cram it with walnuts.
*Former glory may only exist in the author's mind. Your results may vary.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Get Your Killface On!
The delightful Arbogast on Film recently posted another of his hilarious recurring series Get Your Kill Face On, and while I'm stealing awesome big people words like "prognathic" from him, I might as well contribute the the following, care of tomorrow's review of I Come in Peace:
Outer Space Ultra Kill Face!
Outer Space Ultra Kill Face!Head for the Hills! The Zombie Invasion Starts Soon!
io9 has a hilarious comparison of Avon's new marketing campaign with some of the viral(ish) teasers from Resident Evil Apocalypse. (Now if only the studio had hired filmmakers of the same caliber as the marketing team; then I wouldn't have to squint and cover my ears in order to pretend I'm watching a good zombie movie.)I recently saw a big print ad for this somewhere (Target I believe) and had to stare at it for a little while and wonder about the sanity and cultural awareness of the Avon marketing department. Being commander cynical, my next thought was that it represented some sort of synergistic ploy on the parts of Capcom and Avon to cross promote their respective products... but that makes little to no sense considering the vast gulfs between the target markets of zombie fans and gracelessly aging women. I guess said gulfs are so vast that they never expected the RE market to even notice, or (more likely) the gulf is so big that they don't even know what the T-Virus is and it is all a big, goofy coincidence.
Once again, Occam's Razor sucks all the fun out of things.
Also, to the women who actually buy these things, resulting in the massive explosion of "wrinkle cure" banner advertising that has plagued the interwebs in recent years: we all get old and uggo eventually. The only thing that can really help is staying fit, eating right, and not overdoing your skin's exposure to ultraviolet radiation. Most everything else is just going to shrink your wallet and/or make you look like a waxen, inhuman corpse brought to life.... much like the T-Virus.
Okay, now I get it.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The Internet is Fun and Useful
Please turn your attention to Diary of Fools for a moment and observe the newest electronic outpost for my expertise on these so-called "moving" pictures. The gears of hilarity are turning, and should soon add some much needed color and motion to your dreary, flickering monitor.That or you could just go search for "dancing kitty" on YouTube.
Wait, no! Stick around.......
Damn. You've already gone, haven't you? If not, enjoy the synaptic meltdowns that are Polish Movie Posters:
Most foreign markets perform some sort of localization on promotional materials (aside from the obvious language changes) but those crazy Poles say "fuck it" to the studio's art assets and work their homemade brand of post-Soviet magic. If this is what they can do with films that have good poster art, imagine what they could be making out of the absolutely awful, designed-by-committee one-sheets that pollute our multiplexes with their innumerable, overphotoshopped floating-heads.
I'm totally buying the El Topo poster for my basement.
Check Well Medicated for more.
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