Friday, January 9, 2009

Dragon Wars is Fucking Awesome...


.....as long you only watch the last half hour. I vaguely remember it getting bad reviews, but it don't cost nothin' to watch instantly on Netflix, so I turned it on and skipped to a random point about 2/3 of the way through.

(No Netflix doesn't pay me to constantly gush about how awesome they are, but they really should.)

Anywho, here's what I gathered from the third act of Dragon Wars:

-Robert Forster of Alligator and Jackie Brown fame is giving some sagely advice.

-Some young, attractive actors I don't recognize are failing to live up to the title "actor".

-A giant snake monster is chasing them around a city that probably isn't actually in America.

-A familiar looking grey haired dude with a lot of scars is giving a speech to the bad guys from 300.

-Holy shit! There is a giant battle with attack helicopters and swat guys fighting a lizard army. This is starting to look like the back of my notebooks in junior high.

-Apparently the girl is the magic bad-guy-stopping macguffin.

-Oop. Now they've been captured.

-The main guy's necklace just killed all the troops.

-The evil leader quickly ends their sword fight by stabbing the hero in above mentioned necklace and disintegrating.

!
-Bad dragon 1-0.

-Macguffin power activate! The good snake-dragon thing eats one of the powerups from Altered Beast and evolves legs and reindeer antlers... and the power of flight.

-Good dragon wins with a disintegrating KO.

-Bad acting.

-Credits.

If I remember correctly, most reviewers called out Dragon Wars for its poor CGI, but compared to, say, A Sound of Thunder, D-Wars looks like fucking Lord of the Rings.

Also, the good dragon is either being called the "good amari" or the "gouda mari". Perhaps his power derives from cheese.


As of this writing, I'm now a half-hour into Heavy Metal 2000. No sign of the Loc-Nar, only one pair of boobs, (at the 12 minute mark, WTF?) and even shittier animation than the original. Also, it appears to have one long story, rather than a bunch of vignettes told by an evil, sentient super-macguffin with Asperger's.

Weak.

2 comments:

  1. Bravo. I never saw Dragon Wars, largely because I suspected much of what you've revealed to be true; primarily, that this was a screenplay whose "treatment" actually consisted of whatever plot elements some kid's movie-studio uncle could separate from the doodles of crudely-rendered breasts and heavy-metal logos in the 3rd-period History notebook of his learning-disabled sister's kid.

    Big bonus points for the Queen reference, as well. I adore them beyond all reason, and even I can derive pleasure from how laughably loaded with Velveeta that song is.

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